It's been a month....

Today marks 30 days since Dad and Bob left us. 

How are we doing? 

Tough to say. Sometimes I am ok. I think I really laughed out loud at Keith last night for the first time and I didn't even feel guilty about it. Until today when I remembered that today marks a month without Dad and Bob, and I proceeded to ball my eyes out.

I asked Mom today if she felt we took good care of Dad?, and she replied, "yes, I have no regrets". She also said " I just wish we could have done more for Bob."Me too. Silly, hard headed fool.  If only, then I start up the "if only's" and drive myself crazy.

I guess, I am still heart broken.  I guess I always will be. I really hate the "new normal" that my life has become without them. Then I stop myself, and say to myself, Dad wouldn't approve of all this sadness, and crying. I'm sorry Pop, I just can't help it. I'm trying, please know that I'm trying, but I miss you.

You know that scene in Forrest Gump- the one where he is by the tree and gulps out - "I miss you Jenny"? well exchange Jenny for Dad, and sometimes Bob, and you get a sense of my condition.

 Mom and I had to go to her bank in Vineland, and we went to see Dad at the cemetery. It was the first time for Mom, and my 4th since the dreadful day.  I have to tell you, Mom is made of steel. I was so very proud of her, as I am everyday. To see her trudge through this rough time, it sounds strange but, she is inspiring. She does show her emotions, but it's the way she shows them, she is not the sloppy mess that I am, that's for sure. Just amazingly classy, and I see the love she has for Dad, pouring out of her. 

Mom just had her birthday, her 77th on April 9. She had a really good day, she said. I was of course worried to bits about her. Its hard to believe that Mom is now 77. The difference in my parents ages never showed until recently. Mom is amazing, and doing well. Far better than I am. 

Keith finally got the sit down MRI, and we are awaiting results. One step closer to a diagnosis, I pray non surgical solution. I think it's a load off his mind, to at least have been able to complete the test.  

I'm trying to catch up at work, that seems to be a never ending more and more piled upon to be accomplished. I'm distracted, and short tempered, and I have no good excuse. I'm being irritated by everything that is no one's fault. Nothing holds my attention for very long.  Today I was able to get through to the Navy, and get Mom's benefits on their way. I feel like I only get one victory per day, as I attempted to call Social Security too for her, and the wait time was 45 minutes. I had to bail. 

Once we returned home, I shuffled through dinner, made good on my promise to post pictures of the Car- Bob's Car for sale, and to go through my $5 jewelry and post 10 items.  Now I'm out of crap to do for the day, and that's when the sadness sets in. Especially today. 

So, I turn to this blog, to let it all out. 

I really can't believe it's been a month. I miss them so much. 

Thanks for reading.